(My 20 year old was wearing a shirt that exclaimed) "Get a Life"

Arabian Desert Horse by Ratfia- http://www.etsy.com/listing/53789624/arabian-desert-horse-watercolor-print

"The horse not only represents the flesh-and-blood animal we propose to interact with creatively but our own body's instincts, intuition, and emotions, which most of us were taught to rein in and control like an unruly three-year-old stud". -Riding Between the Worlds- Linda Kohonov

I took on a temp job last week. I misunderstood what was required of me for the work, and thought it was an opportunity to use my creative thinking skills utilizing excel. I also imagined it may have been an opportunity for me to meet the head honchos of what I thought to be a creative environment.

Not so. On all counts.

I walked into a situation that I was all too familiar with. Tedious, repetitive tasks. Easy unimaginative work. Placed in a cubicle in front of a laptop, I was instructed to cut and paste data from one workbook to another and/ log the numbered workbooks onto a sheet of paper. For eight hours. The crazy part about all of this is that I returned a second day for the torture.

 In Linda Kohonov's book Riding Between the Worlds, she explains concepts of authentic selves and false selves...the false self is build out of necessity to keep the world around a young person safe. This could look like people pleasing actions, the inability to connect with one's emotions, and codependent behavior. The authentic self "collaborates with life, improvising an original composition of such poignancy that it inspires awe in those who hear it - and fear in those who cling to the cage".

I feel as if a battle is going on inside of me. The desire to do work that is creative, fulfilling and inspiring versus the well worn pathways of duty, responsibility and compliance.

On the second day of tedium I told the manager I would not be coming back. On Friday I spent the day catching up on school work, journaling and doing yoga. I determined to take small steps to release my creative self. I realized that I have a perfectionist tendency to focus on well executed outcomes. Like I expect myself to write an award winning novel, while I am still learning to craft a story and define my voice. As the critic in my head shouts out
"You are too old to start painting, writing, riding horses, etc"
I take a deep breath and focus on the moment, and softly speak to my critic...
"Shhhh, it's no big deal. I'm just practicing. I'm just playing. I'm just creating some moments that are new. Nothing to be afraid of. No one to please. No one's grading my performance".

It's all good.